


The Captain's Quarters: A Space Romance

by screamlet



Category: Star Trek (2009)
Genre: Banter, Crack, Established Relationship, Fluff, M/M, Pirates
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2010-06-07
Updated: 2010-06-07
Packaged: 2017-10-09 23:22:12
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,570
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/92713
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/screamlet/pseuds/screamlet
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>A brief glance into the gift-giving habits of Captain James T. Kirk.</p>
            </blockquote>





	The Captain's Quarters: A Space Romance

**Author's Note:**

> Thanks for the laughs, bookbyyou.com. Also: dammit, waldorph!

"Finally finally _finally_," Kirk moaned as he entered his quarters. As the door closed, he pulled his shirt off over his head, fought his way out of his regulation boots and pants, and dove for the bed.

"You didn't even look to see whether there was someone waiting for you," Spock informed him. Kirk writhed and stretched on the bed for a moment, groaning as his joints popped and cracked, and then let himself fall limp. "What if there had been an admiral present instead of me?"

"First of all, the only admiral brave enough to come in here, ever, is Pike," Kirk said. "And he's seen me in less."

"I won't ask," Spock replied. "Secondly?"

Kirk thought about it and said, "Actually, all the rest are kind of variations on a theme. Everyone who could be waiting for me either needs to see me half-naked or has seen me half-naked so many times they know it's my default setting."

"It _has_ come to my attention that you are usually the first to lose your clothing on away missions."

"It's how nature wants me, Spock." Kirk pressed a kiss to his shoulder and took his PADD. "I have a present for you! I worked on it all through lunch."

"A gift? What Starfleet-enforced holiday have I missed?"

"What? No no, nothing official, I just found something I know you'll love."

"That is illogical."

"Totally logical to show your affection and appreciation for one of the people closest to you in the entire goddamn universe, Spock," Kirk said as he worked on the PADD. "Okay, start reading."

"_The Captain's Lady_," Spock read slowly. "_A Pirate Romance._" Kirk was lying prone next to him and Spock looked down at him, eyebrow raised. "Jim. What?"

"So I was kind of bored that night you had gamma shift, right," Kirk began. "And I was prowling around some of the old Earth lit archives and found not a _book_, but a generating script."

"You made me --"

"This is a 100% Jim Kirk creation." Kirk considered it for a moment and added, "Okay, maybe 70/30, but my 30% is definitely the stellar part."

"Explain to me why I am referred to as 'Lady Spock' no less than…" Spock tapped the PADD a few times and said, "Forty times in this 179-page novel."

"Ah, that was a glitch I didn't feel like fixing," Kirk said as he grinned. "Shit was a little heteronormative back then -- what are we gonna do? Come on, start reading your adventures!"

"Yes," Spock murmured as he read. "My adventures with my close friend and confidante -- _and bedmate_?"

"Oh, that's an Earth historical thing," Kirk explained, bristling with excitement at his reading finally coming in handy. "Rich girls used to have their maids sleep with them as some kind of like, voucher of their chastity. You know, so someone could always claim said rich girl wasn't out fucking someone on the moors, because the girls were in bed together." Kirk clasped his hands over his stomach and grinned. "Sounds like a pretty amazing system to me."

"Naturally," Spock said dryly, "My confidante and bedmate is Lady McCoy."

"I'm always saying I want you two to be closer," Kirk said as he nudged Spock in the ribs. "Come on, you're getting stuck on all these little --"

"You included I-Chaya?" Spock asked with a suddenly softened voice. Kirk sat up a little and looked at the PADD to remember his handiwork. Spock turned his head slowly and gave him something close to a glare. "You could not edit the female pronouns, but you _could_ edit the text so that every mention of I-Chaya is prefaced with --" Spock turned back to the PADD and read outloud, "'The awesomest pet sehlat in the Alpha quadrant if not the whole goddamn galaxy, defender of baby Vulcans caught out in the mountains on some insane bullshit survival test, beloved of Spock forever and ever, indirect preserver of Jim Kirk's sanity, the one and only sehlat ever'?"

"I-Chaya," Kirk finished, and he couldn't help the grin to end all grins spreading across his face. "Hey, you said he was important to you."

"I now believe I said too much."

"Tell me which part of that isn't true. Also," Kirk sat up more and wrapped an arm around Spock's shoulders. "Just fucking try and do the math on how hot you are when you're reading my swears like they're a fucking ethics regulation manual. I did it already in my head and I have to tell you --"

"Your calculations are abstract and subjective," Spock replied. "Perhaps one day when I no longer have a desire to be useful, I will complete them."

"Come on, you're about to get to the best part!" Kirk whined. He pressed the PADD several times until Spock swat his hand away.

"I am capable of speed reading in more languages than you can _name_, Jim, I will reach --"

"You got there, didn't you."

"Ladies Spock and McCoy have just encountered the pirate Evil Jim Blackstroker, known as _The Sea Wolf_."

"Yeah," Kirk sighed. "A noble and gorgeous pirate -- haunted by enemies and his _secret past_."

"Your behavior humiliates women," Spock remarked.

"The Sea Wolf is a cad," Kirk replied with a chin on Spock's shoulder. "But Lady Spock teaches him how to love. Also, it totally fits with us! Lady Spock doesn't take his shit." Kirk leaned in towards the PADD and added, "Also, she kind of likes it. 'Her bosom flushed with heat'? I don't know if your tutoring in Standard covered this -- it's neoarchaic terminology -- but that means, 'she was fucking wet for it.'"

"Indeed," Spock replied.

"You don't sound that excited. I think you should skip to the porn."

Spock did.

Spock looked at Kirk, his eyebrows level and eyes inscrutable, and looked back at the PADD.

"Of course, Lady McCoy would, for historical accuracy, be back in his cabin, accosted by --"

"You're not losing yourself in the magic, Spock! Lady McCoy can handle himself! He brought forty phasers and hypos by the dozens, and fought all the pirates barechested while the Sea Wolf and Lady Spock made sweet, tender, but passionate and just a little rough love in another cabin."

"Barechested?"

"_That's_ what you focus on?"

"_That_ is a detail you felt the need to include?"

"This is shorts-meltingly hot!"

"Hardly. Note the split infinitives, the lack of variation in adjective choices -- the author clearly does not understand the concept of vivid description -- why anyone would settle for this dried prose when --"

"They probably don't have a young and studly starship captain to fuck them senseless?"

"Point taken."

Kirk glanced over and Spock was smirking, the jerk.

"Jim, we are not having a pirate wedding," Spock said a few minutes later as he reached the end of the novel.

"That's what you think."

"Then you must invite my father personally."

"Ambassador Sarek, you are cordially invited to the pirate wedding of your only son to _me_, Evil Jim Blackstroker," Kirk said. "I'm not seeing the problem here."

"Ignore my previous request. You are never speaking to my father again." Spock turned the PADD off and turned to Kirk. "My mother taught me that gifts were to be accepted with grace and gratitude, no matter one's personal feelings towards them. Thank you, Jim, for that -- unique experience."

"You're welcome, you ungrateful jerk," Kirk laughed. "Want to read the one I sent to Bones?"

"You sent the doctor --"

"Not the same one. His is called _Operation Passion_ \-- sounds like a covert ops kind of thing but it's actually a hospital romance. A gruff, callous doctor and his spitfire nurse named Jim Kirk hit it off, but hospital regulations --"

"Jim!" a voice hollered out of the wall unit. "What the hell is this _trash_ you've sent me?"

"Just a warm little gift to get you through your cold, lonely nights!" Kirk replied.

"Should I share with him the inspiring tale of Ladies Spock and McCoy?" Spock asked.

"_WHAT?_"

"Yeah, go ahead," Kirk laughed.

"Captain Kirk," McCoy's voice began. "As Chief Medical Officer, I order you to report to sickbay at 0600 hours for some emergency updates to your immunization records. Additionally, I'd like to perform another allergy scratch test on you and, know what? While we're at it? I'm worried about your vitamin intake, Jim. We might as well give you a few hypos for that, too."

"Hold me," Kirk whispered to Spock.

"You will recall that he fought dozens of pirates barechested and armed only with hyposprays," Spock replied. "I suggest you surrender quietly, and remember your life up to now fondly."

"Goodnight, you treacherous bastards!" Kirk called out.

"_Night, Jim_," McCoy replied in his evil singsong voice before the wall unit shut off.

"Computer, dim lights to 20%," Spock said. He leaned over Kirk and added, "The cavalry usually rides in to save the day when times are desperate, doesn't it?"

"When the cavalry remembers what genre it's supposed to be in and it wasn't the Age of Sail."

"The cavalry will be busy tomorrow morning eating his breakfast very slowly and listening with his acute hearing for your shrieks of pain."

"The cavalry is cordially invited to save my ass, please."

"Perhaps the calvary could make some adjustments to his schedule to accommodate the damsel."

"The damsel shows his appreciation in lunchtime fucks against a sink."

"Sleep well, Jim."

"Night, Spock."

**Author's Note:**

> The canonical backstory on I-Chaya the sehlat is [here](http://memory-alpha.org/wiki/I-Chaya).


End file.
